In this time of Holiday celebration and Thanksgiving, I got some bad news. I will start at the beginning so you all can understand and follow, then I will give my reflection.
Last week, my mom Cheryl asked me to drive down to Kenosha with her to be present for my sister Julia's 20 week ultrasound. What a joyful day, it was my mom's birthday and Julia was so excited to find out the gender of her baby! We got ti Julia's house early so we could talk and get Evan out of the car for a while, we had been in the car for 2 hours already and everyone needed a few minutes to stretch.
The appointment was at 1pm and we were right on time! When Julia's name was called, Cheryl, Evan and I followed her into the ultrasound room, along with her boyfriend Scott and his mom. Everything was going well, the baby was moving and had a strong heartbeat of 144 bpm. Then the u/s tech said she needed the Dr's help seeing something so she asked everyone except Scott to step out of the room. Julia started to freak out. While we were waiting in the lobby, the Dr. told Julia that her baby had no amniotic fluid. Because there was no fluid, there was no way to see the gender of the baby. She freaked out more and asked for mom. Cheryl and Scott's mom went back into the room with Julia, where they heard the upsetting news that her baby had cysts on both of it's kidneys. The Dr. referred Julia to a perinatology specialist at Froedtert Children's Hospital in Milwaukee. The specialist made an appointment for Julia on Monday.
Everyone was in shock, and no one knew quite what to say or do. Scott had to work that night, he is a truck driver, and instead of going to Chicago where he was originally supposed to go and which is only 2 hours away, he got sent to LaCrosse which is 4 hours away from the company's base in Milwaukee. Mom and I didn't want Julia to be alone so we stayed overnight with her. None of us slept well, we were all anxious and scared for Julia and her baby.
Just as Cheryl and I were getting ready to go home on Friday, Julia looked at her phone and realized the specialist from Froedtert had been trying to call her. They had an appointment opening for that day, Friday, at 2. Julia tried frantically to get ahold of Scott to find out if he would be home in time to go to the appointment with her. It turns out that since he had to go to LaCrosse instead of Chicago, he ran out of drive hours and was stuck in Tomah for 10 hours and wouldn't be able to make it back in time. Julia asked if he wanted her to go to the appointment without him, or if he wanted her to wait for him. It was really urgent for Julia to find out what was going on with her baby, so she went to the appointment with me, Evan, Cheryl, and Scott's mom.
Once we got to the hospital, we found out that it was on lock down due to the H1N1 virus, and that nobody under 18 was permitted past the front desk unless they had an appointment, so Evan and I got to sit at the front desk for 2 hours while Julia and the moms had the appointment. When I saw Julia walk down the hallway afterwards, she walked up to me and gave me a hug, and tearfully told me that her baby wasn't going to make it.
As a baby develops in the amniotic sac, it swallows and inhales the amniotic fluid. The kidneys then process and replenish the fluid that the baby swallows. It also produces surfacant in the lungs which helps them inflate and stay expanded once the baby takes its first breath. Since the baby's kidneys have cysts, they are unable to function to replenish the amniotic fluid, which means that the baby's lungs have no chance of developing since they need that fluid to produce the surfacant.
Basically, when Julia's baby is born it will live for a short time, but will slowly suffocate to death because the lungs have not been able to develop properly and will not be able to absorb oxygen to carry it through the baby's body.
The reality is that it's a hard situation for everyone. Here Julia and I are, unconventionally, sisters. We're the same age and we were excited to have babies within 6 months of each other. Mom and I had started buying things for Julia and her baby, and I had started putting away clothes that Evan had already outgrown, ready to give them to Julia for her baby. Then we get this devastating news, and everyone is counting their blessings, and we're left asking why.
I am reminded of something I read recently that I have been reflecting on. It reminds us to give thanks.
"in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Sometimes its difficult enough to remember to give thanks during the good times, when things are going well. So how are we supposed to give thanks when times are hard and nothing seems to be going right? The Bible verse says to give thanks in everything, not necessarily for everything. Bad things happen; we do not have to give thanks for them, but we can give thanks in the midst of them. Few people ever stop to ask 'Why am I so blessed? Why did I get so lucky?' - many of us assume we deserve the good things in our lives, that for whatever reason, the blessings are earned. And the bad things - that is when we question and rage and scream at God. But if we are not going to question good fortune, we have no right to question bad fortune either.
With God's help, I am working through my own emotions of grief for Julia and her new baby that will never get the chances that my own new baby will get, and also remembering to give thanks for my many blessings, all the while constantly praying for a miracle...
15 November 2009
LONG OVERDUE UPDATE
So, this is very overdue. Sorry I have kept you all in the dark and waiting for so long.
Lets see.... I think I left off with being a day late. I had my next prenatal appointment on 9/22 and had not progressed any closer to dilating on my own. I was stuck at 2 cm! My Dr. decided that induction was the way to go so she called the hospital to find out when they could get me in. At first they told her Saturday! She told them that Saturday wouldn't work, so they fit me in for the next day at 1pm. Chad and I got to St Mary's Hospital on 9/23 early so that by 1 I could be on my way to meeting my baby! We got checked in and I put on a lovely gown. The nurse explained how the induction would work, and by 2pm it was happening! I was still only 2cm dilated so I was given misoprostol, which is a tablet that is inserted onto the cervix which causes it to dilate. It can be given every 4 hours, and after it is inserted you must lie flat for an hour to make sure that it doesn't come out. I had to have 3 miso's before I started to dilate in the middle of the night, one at 2:15, another around 6:30pm and the last around 10:30pm. I was pretty much stuck in bed anyway since there were no portable fetal heartbeat monitors available, and since I was being induced, I had to have constant monitoring. I started having contractions around 2:30am or so. When I started having contractions, they came so strong and sudden that I started to vomit from the pain. I was still determined to have my baby with no epidural, so I asked for something mild to help make the contractions more bearable, and I was set up with an IV and given numorphan so that I could get a little bit of rest between them. I was in the bathtub for a while in the middle of the night, I don't know exactly when. I went back to bed for a while and rested between contractions. The next thing I knew it was morning. I got another numorphan at about 6am on 9/24, my water was broken some time after that, and around 9 am I was in so much pain from the contractions that I was begging for an epidural. My nurse was awesome, suggesting that I get into the bathtub and have one more numorphan. I was 4cm when I got into the bathtub and I stayed in there for about 2 hours. Betty sat outside the bathroom door for me and timed my contractions. At times the pain got to be so strong that it felt like I was pushing involuntarily. When I got out it was too late for the epidural because I was already 9cm. My Dr. checked me and I still had a little bit of cervix so I couldn't push yet, but within a few minutes I was having so much pressure that my Dr. checked me again and that little bit of cervix had dilated and I could start pushing during contractions. I pushed in lots of different positions, but made the best progress on my hands and knees. I pushed for about 2 hr 15 minutes and had to have oxygen because baby’s heart rate was dropping towards the end. My sister Danelle was there to help me, she held my legs while I pushed and she was definitely my biggest supporter. Chad was up by my head while I was pushing, and Betty was there with him when his knees started to shake and he felt like he was going to faint. Thank God for Betty! Just before the baby was born the Dr. asked Chad to cut the cord but the baby was so stunned from being born that it took him a while to breathe so Chad didn’t get to cut the cord. My mom gave the big announcement, "It's a boy!"
Lets see.... I think I left off with being a day late. I had my next prenatal appointment on 9/22 and had not progressed any closer to dilating on my own. I was stuck at 2 cm! My Dr. decided that induction was the way to go so she called the hospital to find out when they could get me in. At first they told her Saturday! She told them that Saturday wouldn't work, so they fit me in for the next day at 1pm. Chad and I got to St Mary's Hospital on 9/23 early so that by 1 I could be on my way to meeting my baby! We got checked in and I put on a lovely gown. The nurse explained how the induction would work, and by 2pm it was happening! I was still only 2cm dilated so I was given misoprostol, which is a tablet that is inserted onto the cervix which causes it to dilate. It can be given every 4 hours, and after it is inserted you must lie flat for an hour to make sure that it doesn't come out. I had to have 3 miso's before I started to dilate in the middle of the night, one at 2:15, another around 6:30pm and the last around 10:30pm. I was pretty much stuck in bed anyway since there were no portable fetal heartbeat monitors available, and since I was being induced, I had to have constant monitoring. I started having contractions around 2:30am or so. When I started having contractions, they came so strong and sudden that I started to vomit from the pain. I was still determined to have my baby with no epidural, so I asked for something mild to help make the contractions more bearable, and I was set up with an IV and given numorphan so that I could get a little bit of rest between them. I was in the bathtub for a while in the middle of the night, I don't know exactly when. I went back to bed for a while and rested between contractions. The next thing I knew it was morning. I got another numorphan at about 6am on 9/24, my water was broken some time after that, and around 9 am I was in so much pain from the contractions that I was begging for an epidural. My nurse was awesome, suggesting that I get into the bathtub and have one more numorphan. I was 4cm when I got into the bathtub and I stayed in there for about 2 hours. Betty sat outside the bathroom door for me and timed my contractions. At times the pain got to be so strong that it felt like I was pushing involuntarily. When I got out it was too late for the epidural because I was already 9cm. My Dr. checked me and I still had a little bit of cervix so I couldn't push yet, but within a few minutes I was having so much pressure that my Dr. checked me again and that little bit of cervix had dilated and I could start pushing during contractions. I pushed in lots of different positions, but made the best progress on my hands and knees. I pushed for about 2 hr 15 minutes and had to have oxygen because baby’s heart rate was dropping towards the end. My sister Danelle was there to help me, she held my legs while I pushed and she was definitely my biggest supporter. Chad was up by my head while I was pushing, and Betty was there with him when his knees started to shake and he felt like he was going to faint. Thank God for Betty! Just before the baby was born the Dr. asked Chad to cut the cord but the baby was so stunned from being born that it took him a while to breathe so Chad didn’t get to cut the cord. My mom gave the big announcement, "It's a boy!"
Evan Dennis Vondrum was born on 9/24/09 at 2:41 pm, weighing in at 9lb4oz and 20 inches long. He was blue when he was born so we didn't get to see him right away, and Chad was really scared. Evan broke his collarbone being born, but it is all healed. I am just about healed, I tore at the top and bottom and still have a bit of swelling. While the Dr. was putting in my stitches, in walks Denny! Then a little while later, in walks Travis! I told them to be aware that if they came into the room now they might see more of me then they ever wanted to, but they thought it was no big deal to see me laying on the bed getting stitched up, so they stayed. I really wanted to nurse Evan right away but he was still very mucousy from being born that I was told to wait to make sure that he was breathing okay. He never got the hang of latching on, so I am pumping and feeding him what I pump. He is currently eating 5oz every 3 hours.
9/24 was a very busy day for the hospital, there were at least 2 other ladies who were due on my due date that were being induced the same day that I was, and there were 8 other babies born at that hospital on that day! There were 4 at Meriter also, and a home birth. Evan's birthday was definitely a popular one!
At his checkup on 9/28, Evan weighed 9lb 1oz. On 10/6 he was 9lb 7oz and 21 in. On 10/22 my big boy was 10lb 12oz and 23 inches! Evan usually is asleep for the night by 10pm and tends to sleep till about 3am or so to eat, then he goes back to sleep until about 7am or so but then goes right back to sleep until around 9. He eats, and has tummy time and back time and snuggle time. Evan naps for about 20 minutes at a time during the day, unless we are in the car a lot. He doesn't always sleep in the car though. He doesn't like to be idle in the car, and fusses if we slow down or have to stop for any reason. Evan has started to smile and coo and is mostly a good baby. Here is my favorite picture of Evan smiling so far.
I am using cloth diapers for Evan, the Bum Genius 3.0's are wonderful! I love how they look drying on the clothesline too.
We have good days and bad days, but so far I am loving my life as a mom! I will try to post future updates in a more timely manner. Until then, I hope you enjoyed the story:)
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